I had a dream recently about my birthday. And how every year, I just act like I don't really want a party because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed.  When in actuality, I am still disappointed because my birthday felt lame or like I wasn't really celebrated.

The truth is, I have always wanted someone to throw me a surprise party. But I have never told anyone this or even believed it was possible. Again, I didn't want to be disappointed.

The last several years (read: decade), I have not been celebrated by others nor have I celebrated myself. No coincidence, right?

It’s the, “Why try?” defensive mechanism to protect my ego from that potential disappointment. You know the one that says you can't have what you want so why even try.

What might it mean if I invited my friends and family to a party to celebrate me and people I value and love didn't come?

They don't like me.
They don't love me.
I’m not important enough.

But what if they all came to...