Dark Night of the Soul to Liberation

In early May 2020, it was about 4-5 weeks into U.S. quarantine and I was experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul. While my lifestyle as a homeschooler and online coach hadn’t changed much, my level of in-home support had gone from three days a week of childcare to zero basically overnight. While I understand that is a privilege to have a nanny, it’s one that our family has made tremendous sacrifice to have. 

After having five children in ten years and experiencing exhaustion beyond exhaustion and then being diagnosed with severe adrenal fatigue, I promised myself that I would never do that to myself again. I would never allow myself to go unsupported again. And never be in a position where I experienced that level of depletion and exhaustion. 

During the lockdown, our nanny no longer felt safe to work with us so she left. Mind you, this was during busy season for our landscape construction company - our other business - and my husband was working long hours six days a week. Being without support triggered a re-traumatization of the under resourced and depleted version of myself from three years earlier where I had experienced that severe adrenal fatigue which was one of the lowest and scariest times in my life. 

I was struggling mentally and emotionally and at the same time unknowingly going through a kundalini awakening. Which is essentially when the sexual, creation energy that lies in the base of the spine awakens. It is said that many things can come from this - a spiritual awakening, ascension of consciousness, a purification of the soul and more. It can be very pleasurable or induce a Dark Night of the Soul or both. For me it was the latter. While I was experiencing what I call a 24/7 clit lit state of arousal, I also was experiencing deep pain and suffering.  

One night I got into an argument with my husband and my teenager so I left the house in tears to give myself some space. I drove down to the lake in our neighborhood which is normally my happy place because it’s so beautiful and peaceful there. I sat in my van and just screamed and ugly cried for what felt like hours. At one point, I looked at the lake and thought to myself, “What if I just drive the minivan into the lake and put myself out of my misery?” 

Immediately my next thought was, “That would be a terrible way to die. And what if I change my mind and ruin our only family car? ” I knew the guilt of ruining the family car would feel worse. 

As I retell this, I laugh at myself because the mind is so fucked in this way. Of course, the mother in me would feel so guilty for ruining the family vehicle that she couldn't end her life. 

As I sat there hysterically bawling my eyes out, contemplating my fate, I wrote this prayer in my journal…

“I just want to be free. 
Free me of this pain. 
I surrender this pain to you, God. 
Please guide me in being FREE.
TRULY free. 
I release it now. 
Allow me to be who I am meant to be now. 
Allow me to have what I am meant to have now. 
Show me what needs to change. 
Show me how you would have me make those changes?
Bring me clarity.  
Bring me relief.  
Let me have PEACE. 
Guide me to my peace. My love. My happiness.”   

As I went to go back home, the van wouldn’t start. The battery had died. No coincidence there. It felt like a clear sign from the Universe that I was meant to live. Something/one was clearly looking out for me. 

Over the course of the next couple weeks, I was led to an inner child hypnosis that healed deep sexual shame from my childhood. Through this, I experienced the greatest liberation of my life. I had never felt so free. I was now beyond shame-free around my sexuality and could finally see how beautiful and innocent I actually was. That my innate sexual nature was NORMAL. And actually my true power. It no longer mattered what choices I made in the past, who called me a slut or whore and that I got to accept this part of me and be WHOLE again. I no longer regretted any partners or experiences and instead could see how perfect and divinely timed it all was. I had to experience all that to set myself free along with GENERATIONS of women before me. 

This sexual revolution revealed that I have a sexual attraction for women that I never allowed myself to openly admit. I could see where I shut down my sexuality when I became a mom as I had such a deep story around who mothers could and couldn’t be. 

All of this unveiling led to a huge shift in my marriage as well. I was able to express this openly with my husband and share my revelations. It created such a deep level of intimacy and connection as we both felt so safe now without the shame to share more deeply. Neither one of us could have ever imagined this level of liberation was possible.  He was liberated just from my experience. The transmission was that powerful. 

It’s been beautiful. And deeply arousing. The level of pleasure we've experienced is next-fucking level. I feel like I am finally able to be fully expressed whereas previously, I had been disconnected from and cut off from this part of myself. Needless to say, my husband and I are both very excited to see what this makes possible for us moving forward. 

Liberation is something we all strive for. But what I found is that there is actually nothing like it. It’s beyond what I could have ever imagined it would be. It’s almost indescribable. It feels like a lightness in the body, a joy, a happiness, a oneness with the Universe and gratitude for every single thing that led me to this point. It just feels so fucking exhilarating. 

I can already tell that I am being called to bring more pleasure, sensuality and sexuality into my work. We shall see how Spirit guides me to do so moving forward. In the meantime, we are having amazing sex and navigating the waters of next-level intimacy, connection and pleasure together! And I am enjoying living as the fullest, most uninhibited expression of myself. 

Repeat after me....

Journal Prompt
What is standing in the way of your liberation?

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P.S. If you, too, desire to set yourself free and experience liberation, I invite you to attend the live virtual workshop I’m leading called Heaven on Earth where I will guide you on a Shamanic Journey to release your attachments to pain and suffering and be guided to create a reality that is divinely aligned with your soul’s purpose. Register here for $37.

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